Humidity Fuzzing the Brain

So it's August now and no I haven't been blogging much. July and August are always difficult times for me. Some years are better than others. My baby Cheyenne would have been 6 on August 11, and she has been gone 6 years as of August 12th. It is without fail a depressing time for me and as certain milestone years pass the difficulty can increase. I have my beautiful little love bug, but make no mistake that I have two daughters and she cannot replace her sister or quell the loss I feel. My love bug is a constant joy and sweetness in my life and I am very blessed to have her. I know how very blessed I am because I have lost my little Cheyenne. I get an emptiness in my stomach on her birthday. It is the same emptiness I felt the day she passed and for several weeks following. This emptiness is only felt by mother's who did not get the divine priviledge of taking their newborns home with them and it is one I know I will forever feel. I don't know why I didn't get to keep her with me and I will never know. Part of the pain is the loss for everything that would, could and should have been in a perfect world. This world though is not perfect and life is not fair. I was angry with God for a long time after Cheyenne left us and I didn't understand. I will never understand. I have faith though and know that I don't see the "big picture" and that God does. This helps some, but far from completely. I tell people who ask how many children I have that I have 2. When they inquire I simply say I have a beautiful little girl who is the most beautiful little girl on Earth and I have another beautiful little girl who is the most beautiful little girl in heaven. Those are the facts. My love bug is a spitting image of her older sister and if you've seen love bug you know she's super adorable and a beauty as was Cheyenne. I will try to post a letter later that I have written to Cheyenne. For now I am pretty bummed and missing my other little girl.