Don't Shoot Me-I'm Blogging

I know it's been three months since my last blog and I blame the holidays frankly. So the latest and the greatest. Christmas was great. Love bug kept asking to speak to Santa and luckily I had his number and was able to call him several times a week for her. She did great when she went to visit with Santa. Christmas morning she didn't even realize it was Christmas and came to wake us up just like usual. We had to lead her to the tree and show her the presents that Santa had left and it was beautiful. She squeeled with excitement and was beyond adorable.
Everything has been pretty status quo. We are looking for a new house as our lease is up at the end of March. The house we are in now was not "remodeled" properly and therefore we have had several issues. During the first two weeks in January when it was so cold we had the heat on and it only kept the temperature in the house at 50 degrees Farenheit. The a/c unit doesn't have a heat strip only a heat pump and can't take temperatures that low. Therefore it ran nonstop and my electric bill was two hundred more than I expected.
In other news my 33rd birthday is tomorrow and all week I have been looking back on birthdays and years past. One that stands out in my memory is my 10th birthday. My dad worked very hard to provide for us. That birthday in particular I asked my mom what kind of cake I would get. She explained that we didn't have money for a cake. I said, "we don't have money for the cakes that you buy and bake?" To which she responded we did not. I knew that if my parents could they would have given me a huge, beautiful cake and that it broke their hearts that they could not. That birthday my mom made a fabric heart made of purple velvet and pink lace on the trim and a small quilt for my dolls. I also got a bowl that had tuna fish and mayo in it and it had been shaped into a heart. I wanted a cake, but I was happy for the heart shaped tuna salad. One of the major things I always loved on my birthday were the cards from my daddy. My dad always picked out beautiful cards for me that said just the right thing. No matter how bad his memory got, he never forgot my birthday and always made it point to tell me the story of how I came to be and the joy he felt when I was born. I was talking to love bug today about how her grammy used to make my birthday cake in the shape of a heart and how her grandpa always made sure I had a pretty dress for my special day. She asked for me to show him to her. I have shown her pictures of her grandpa many times and I took her to the hall and showed her the picture of my family growing up. She said, I want to go see him. I choked up. I composed myself quickly and explained that her grandpa is with Jesus now and we can't go see him. She then wanted to call him to tell him about her pooping in the potty (she accomplished that today-yeah!). I choked up again and composed myself again and explained that we couldn't call grandpa but he knows she went poop in the potty and was very proud of her. I miss him. As I write this, I am crying. I am crying because I want my daddy. I want to sit on his lap and lean my head on his shoulder and give him a hug and kiss. I want him to tell me that I am getting old and that he doesn't like my hair color or how short it is. I want to open that card with that familiar writing and I want to watch John Wayne movies with him. My dad always made me feel special on my birthday and now I don't have that and I miss my daddy.